


The Burden of our Choices

by Return_My_Sanity



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), F/M, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Beverly Marsh, Poor Beverly, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Unhappy marriage, kind of a character study but idk, this story is shorter than eddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 10:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20758886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Return_My_Sanity/pseuds/Return_My_Sanity
Summary: Why did you marry me at all, Richie? When you clearly never got over him.I am not Eddie Kaspbrak, I'm just Beverly Marsh, your wife.





	The Burden of our Choices

It hurts all the time. It hurts that even after all these years, he can give you something that I can't. The pain is all consuming, tearing me apart every day, and my heart has been in permanent turmoil for the last couple of years.

What does he have that I don't have?

I'll tell you what I don't have. I don't have soft, curly brown hair like he does, which you could never stop running your fingers through. I don't have the caramel colored eyes that you used to drown in. I don't smell of cinnamon and hand sanitizer, an odd yet alluring combination to you. Simply put - I am not Eddie Kaspbrak.

My hair is red (like winter fire, Ben used to say) and you never run your fingers through it. My eyes are a combination of grey and blue, and you never seem to want to drown in them. I smell of peach shampoo and cigarettes, and it never seems to be alluring to you. Simply put - I am Beverly Marsh, your wife.

I often wonder why. I wonder why you married me when your heart clearly always belonged to him. He was your first kiss, your first love, your first everything, and yet here we are.

You and I, married.

When I saw you together back then, it always seemed clear that you two were made for each other. Not that you were all that similar, oh how you fought, bickering about the stupidest things. Yet, you were happy together. I always wanted what you guys had, a love that seemed so complete and fulfilling. I wished that Bill and I could have what you had. To feel that I was worth something, that I wasn't damaged. I did get what I wanted, but not with Bill, I got it with you. When you and Eddie broke up, our friend group was shocked. Like, it didn't make sense. Maybe the most shocking thing, was that you broke up with him - for me. One of his best friends, and the ex-girlfriend of another best friend. I know they all judged us. But not Eddie, though. I think he truly believed the lies (though I thought they were true at the time) about how you had found your soulmate in me. He sincerely congratulated me, and I remember my heart breaking at the tears in his eyes.

I finally felt that I had found someone that I was compatible with. Someone who got me, and who I could be myself with completely. But love (if that even is the right word) blinded me. In the end, we are too similar. He balanced you out, and I don't and never will. It took me a while to realize this, so caught up I was in loving the ideal of you.

We got married, and Eddie was finally able to move on. I know he had a tough couple of years, and it hurts me to this day that I was the cause of that. When he moved on I was so happy for him. Stanley stole his heart, and in a way it was as though it was always meant for them to be together. I knew Stan had loved Eddie for a long time, even when you were with him, and it was ironic that he finally got what he wanted because you fucked it up for yourself. You had a fit of jealousy, but I mistook it as concern. I can't believe I didn't see the signs. It's surprising what you can make yourself believe if you want to. Like how I chose to believe that you were with me because you loved me, and not because you tried to convince yourself that you weren't gay. That your love for Eddie had been a phase, like you hadn't been each other's soulmate. That you were in love with me, as you felt you should be.

The ideal of our love crumbled with our marriage. We had our head in the clouds though, mostly succeeding in pretending that we were happy. Ignorance was bliss. It was bliss for me believing you loved me and it was bliss for you believing you did not love him. But in the end, reality always catches up to you.

It started with small arguments (doesn't it always) and it then escalated into bigger fights. It reached its limit when you moaned his name when kissing me. I was so angry. And doubt crept its way in. Was that how he felt? Did you moan my name when kissing him? Probably not, as I don't think you ever loved me to begin with. It was always him. You just couldn't be true to yourself.

It was then that the castle in the clouds finally collapsed. And we were there, in the ruins of the choices we had made. And I couldn't blame him. Kind, sweet, understanding Eddie, who had been my friend after everything. He had moved on and you hadn't. He had Stan now. He fell in love with him and he fell out of love with with you. He was happy after everything! You were not, and you made me unhappy in the process!

Four years later, I am still with you, Richie. This is not a marriage anymore, it 's just a bond tying two miserable people together. Two people who stay together because they've got nothing else. Again, Eddie has become a source of envy for me, because he has the one thing I wish for - unconditional love.

When I look at him and Stan, all I see is happiness. When Stan holds him close and tells him he loves him. When Stan has eyes only for him. When Stan presses soft kisses to his temple. When Stan embraces him and doesn't let go. When Stan looks at him an calls him 'my husband'. Eddie looks back and reciprocrates because Stan is his world, the center of his universe - the place you once called your own.

When I look at us, all I see is emptiness. When you hold me close and almost whisper his name. When you have eyes only for him. When you kiss me and imagine it's him. When you don't embrace me and just walk away. When you look at me and call me 'Bev' and never 'my wife'. I look at you, Richie, willing you to look at me. You look at Eddie, willing him to look at you. And Eddie looks at Stan, only.

This is not fair on me, Richie. It’s not. Does my love count for anything? Because I hope that it does. I like to hope that this is the reason that we still remain married. I hope that, despite it all, that you love me, just a little.

So, I will put on my rose colored glasses and pretend that everything is okay. Because no one needs to know that I love you, and you love him, and you and I are married. That's not for them to know.

But I know, and you do too. The burden of knowing that there are three in this marriage causes nothing but misery. But you and I sealed our fates a long time ago. Me, so desperate for love that I believed your lies. You, so ashamed of being who you were that you let go of the love of your life.

And we carry this burden, and we will continue to carry it.

I will love you. You will love him. He will love Stan.

And the world carries on.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a shitty little piece really


End file.
